I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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