that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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