walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
