hotel room ftw
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
