Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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