Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
