his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize