i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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