I wanna bring you to show and tell
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
