Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
