True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
