meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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