I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
