Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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