Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
someone threw a dead crab at me
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
