I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
