I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
how does that bad decision feel?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
