there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
