I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
