theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
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then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's a Shit stain on my heart
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I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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