Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
