I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
