i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
