I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
