It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
