ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
