There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
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I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
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I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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