dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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