I've blown a few things in my day
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
