i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
