and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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