You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
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As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
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I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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