I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
