Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
