I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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