At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
