Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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