I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
