Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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