My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
