That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
