So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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