I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
