Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
