So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
