Umm I'm too high to move.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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