The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
