I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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