Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
