This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
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Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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