There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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