go do what you do best...puke behind churches
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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