in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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