my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My vagina is very pro this idea
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
