i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
