you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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