My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
