I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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