the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
