Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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