So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
